Bought in the year 2000 I used it to show a lovely
picture of the office cat, Tiger, who was rescued from an attack by
a pit bull at the beach when just a small ball of hissing spitting
She lived to be about 13, when one day she told me
she was nota happy Tiger.
She was right, as usual.
This was her.
Now I have more crazy cats around as most live in the
street and just come for food, but Beans is the craziest of all,
another rescued red head. A Jellico cat.
Tony sent us in some rules for crazy cats
which we published. Beans doesn't beat on the door, she jumps up
and holds on to the handle until the latch clicks and then
pushes it open. Crazy cat? I think not.
Wriggle, another rescue, opens fridges.
He makes a living burgling the local flats I think. No one would
guess it was a crazy cat that stole their dinner from the fridge. He
looks in the window like a Meer cat, picks his moment and bam
People sent us some giggly crazy cat instructions.
Here they are again.
Rules for Cats to Live By!
BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not
necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open,
stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it
is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door
opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things.
This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow,
or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If
you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no
Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make
sure you back up so it is as long as a humans bare foot.
HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the
other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping,"
otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for
1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the
cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being
stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and
book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so
as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least the part
currently in progress. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out
and slap the pencil or pen.
4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas
cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper
being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the
table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers,
scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for
the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one
at a time.
5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be
sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across
keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap
across arms, hampering typing in progress.
WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible
in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have
something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in
the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move
LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much
litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty
litter between their toes.
HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot
find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any
circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love)
thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out,
the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably
get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human,
especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them.
Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests.
How To Give A Cat A Pill
Thanks to Juergen-Peter in Germany
How to give crazy cats a pill
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side
of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth and allow
cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back
of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count to ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold
head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,
force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass
of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and
remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat
in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of
last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.
Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from
right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see
if they have any dogs.
How to give a dog a pill:
1) Wrap it in bacon.
Ah but, is the cat crazy?
I don't want their pills either.